I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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