Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
