I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
