and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
