I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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