Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize