Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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