Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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