my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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