I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
