She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
