My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
