my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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