Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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