i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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