why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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