Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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