Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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