We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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