Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
