a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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