The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
