Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
