i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
