im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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