Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
