You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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