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I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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