i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
