i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everything about him screamed your future.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
