I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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