i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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