I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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