please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
