this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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