My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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