Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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