was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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