The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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