I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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