1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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