Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
