first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..