I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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