I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
