i just wanna soil my oats bro
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
