Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch