even my farts smell like vagina
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
