I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
As shirtless as possible
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
