Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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