YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
