But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
