Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
